This is the moment...

It has been a long few days. Part of me feels like an old woman ready to sleep after a hard day's work, and the other part of me feels more alive than it has in awhile. I've learned a lot in the past few days, and even though it was hard-learned, it was worth it. Sohneya and I had to learn this lesson together, and although we both wish that it could have been learned in a different way, we are thankful to have back what we had lost without this lesson. Over this past summer was when our relationship began, and during that time it was vibrant, and we thrived because of it. We had each other, and were so thankful and in awe of the fact that we had actually found each other. We never expected to see each other last summer, and so we lived in what we had at that moment instead of trying to live for what we didn't think would happen. And then a small miracle came along and we got to spend a whole week together here in Montana. It was absolute heaven, there is no other way to describe it in words. We decided that week that we wanted to try and see each other again this winter, and so, with our sights set on that, we reluctantly let go of each other and separated once more. After that visit we were closer than ever, more in love that ever. But then we began focusing on the wrong things. Instead of living in the love we had at that moment, we constantly looked towards this winter, wanting it to happen so badly that we were forgetting the now. We forgot about the now, and although we never loved each other any less or ever fell out of love with each other, we began to have fears of loss, fears that things between us were not okay. There was really nothing wrong except our focus. This was something we recently figured out, and so we switched our focus to the now, to loving each other in this moment, basking in the love we share in this moment, rather than looking forward to the love we will share in the future. The summer we shared was absolutely incredible because of our ability to live in the now with each other, and I look forward to a lifetime of a love like that. So I want to pass this lesson on to you; live in the now. Stop grasping for the future, no matter how much you want it, how hard you reach for it, it will not come any quicker. If you constantly sacrifice the now because you are reaching so hard for the future you will be in a constant state of dissatisfaction. The future will come when it comes, and you cannot change that. So savor the moment you have now. Change things that are wrong now, live the life you have now, live the love you have now, because if you don't, moments will pass through your fingers like smoke and you'll realize how many you have wasted simply because you didn't live them as you were reaching desperately for the future.

Give Me a Memory

The weather has been rather peculiar as of late. This time of year in Montana, the sky is usually clouded over and it has been threatening to snow. Although the cold is enough to make people bundle up before venturing outdoors, the sky is a clear, cloudless blue, the sorts of which we usually only see during the summer when it's ninety degrees and people are taking every chance they can get to go swimming. Not that I'm complaining; I love the sun and have been very happy to wake up to sunshine instead of clouds, as much as I want it to snow. There's something magical about the time of year between Halloween and New Years. Fall is just coming to a close and winter is just starting up, or at least that's what mother nature says, even though according to the calendar winter doesn't being until December 21 or so. Christmas shopping is something I look forward to with great anticipation. I've already begun looking for presents for people, and can't wait to do some serious shopping. There's something about giving someone else a gift that makes me incredibly happy; I love shopping for other people just as much, if not more than I enjoy shopping for myself. I know a lot of people who hate Christmas shopping, and put it off until the last minute (i.e. Christmas Eve). If you are one of those people think about this: when you get someone a gift than comes from your heart, that you went and put a lot of thought into, you are giving them a much greater gift than if you glanced down at their wishlist and got them the first thing on it. When you do your Christmas shopping this year leave the wishlists at home and look for the things you know will make them happiest. If you know your son has been drooling over those roller blades for the past four months, go looking for them, put time and thought into it, and while you're doing it think of his face when he opens them Christmas morning. There's nothing quite like watching someone's face light up when they see the gift you got them, when they realize that not only did you get them that thing they've been wanting for quite some time, but that to choose that particular one you had to put thought and time into it. When someone glances down at my wishlist and gets me the first thing on the list I do appreciate it partly because they did get me something and partly because it was something I had wanted. But when someone gets me the thing I want and puts thought and intention behind it, it means that much more to me. If you've read my post "only for now" then you know more about my stance on this and money. It's something I think about often. Money doesn't buy me happiness. Does that $800 subwoofer in the back of my car make me happy? Yes. Is it extremely important to me? No. The one thing that may buy me happiness is the plane ticket Sohneya and I are going to buy in a couple weeks, but it's not the ticket that makes me happy, it's where the ticket gets me: in his arms. When you give someone something give them a memory as well, give it more depth than it had while it was sitting on its shelf in the store. As I told Sohneya a couple weeks ago, "Don't give me a possession, give me a memory."

Donate to tha LAWD'S children! Help tha desperate! Feed tha fund!

You're probably wondering what's up with the donate button that has suddenly appeared at the top of my blog. I have written fairly extensively about Sohneya and I over the course of my writing here. By now I'm sure you all know how in love we are, and how much we want to see each other this winter. Unfortunately love and pretty words don't buy a plane ticket, which is going to be anywhere from $600-$800. Ouch. We've both been working hard, but still don't have the money necessary to buy the ticket, and are still in need of about $300-$350. So we decided that it would be a good idea to you, our readers, for whatever amount of a donation you could spare. I know how annoying it is when people ask for money, but we're desperate. Thank you so, so much for anything you can give us, and if you have any questions feel free to leave a comment or email me. Thank you readers!

Illness

Being sick is just about the worst thing ever. Your throat feels like someone stuck a hot poker down it, nothing tastes the way it should, you have mucus running steadily from your nose, and your head feels like it might explode at any given moment. And just to put an extra cherry on top it usually means you get to miss a whole day of classes; make-up work might be the only thing worse than being sick. I'm sick today. Today is my busiest day of classes; I had homework in Astronomy, an important lecture in Rock and Roll History, a review session for my Anthropology exam on Thursday, oh, and a quiz in Management Information Systems, all of which I missed because some virus decided it would be a fabulous idea to plant itself somewhere inside my body. Did I mention I also have a job interview tomorrow? Yes, I realize I'm whining, and that it's really not as bad as I'm making it out to be; the world will keep spinning, my work will get made up, and life will go on. It's on days like this that I especially wish Sohneya was with me; cuddling with a hot cup of tea, under a warm blanket with the person you love can help cure any ills. I always miss him, always want him with me, but during times like this it becomes more of a need than at other times. To all of you out there who are sick right now you know what I'm talking about, and I wish you a speedy recovery. My advice to you is this: hot tea or hot cocoa, chicken noodle soup, a long, hot shower, a warm blanket, and either a good book or good movie. As for me, I wish I could write about something more interesting today, and I apologize for the rant, but unfortunately I don't have the energy to do so. So, I am going to follow my own advice and get some rest.

It's The Most Wonderful Time of the Year...

The fall colors are slowly disappearing, the world around me is turning brown in preparation for winter. The time period between Halloween and New Years has always been my absolute favorite time of the year. It's during this time that the snow first begins to fall, it's when Thanksgiving and Christmas come, and the entire time there is a feeling of warmth in the air. I thrive during this time of the year, my spirit revels in the atmosphere that this time of the year creates. I can't wait for Halloween to come, I can't wait for the snow to begin to fall, I can't wait for Thanksgiving, and I especially can't wait for the Christmas season. The Christmas season is always a big deal to me and my family. As soon as the Thanksgiving meal is over we begin to play Christmas carols, and then it's usually the day after Thanksgiving when we go and choose a tree to put up in our living room. Within a week after Thanksgiving our house is decorated for Christmas, the Christmas spirit prevalent in the atmosphere of our home. Throughout the entire Christmas season we will be baking; my mom makes her fudge and I make my peanut butter balls dipped in chocolate. On Christmas eve I always make pumpkin pie, and my dad prepares the turkey to be baked the next day. Christmas day we always wake up early, usually by six we're beginning to open presents. While the rest of my family sits in the living room I put Cinnamon rolls into the oven for breakfast and then join them to resume present opening. By ten my dad puts the turkey into the oven, and soon the smell of turkey and dressing spreads throughout the house. This is a scent that is in our house twice a year; Thanksgiving and Christmas. These two holidays are precious to me because of how close it brings my family, and because of how happy they both are. My soul absolutely revels in this time of the year; as soon as the first snow flake falls I will be in bliss. To all of you who know what I'm talking about, revel with me. To all of you who do not find this in the Thanksgiving or Christmas seasons, this year look for it. Bring the spirits of this season into your home, look to your loved ones and tell each of them how much they mean to you, how much you love them. When you go Christmas shopping do it with love, do it with a smile. Remember that we only have this life once, so make sure that it is as filled with love, warmth, and happiness as you can fill it with. This is the perfect time of the year to begin.

I will follow you into the dark...

She looks at her reflection in the bathroom mirror as she washes her hands. Other girls are entering and leaving in their black tie attire; dresses of every size, shape, and color appear and disappear. She dries her hands and sighs, thinking of how tired she is, wondering if perhaps she should simply leave the dance altogether; the one the previous night had been better by far. Resolving to leave with the next group within her team, she leaves the bathroom and rejoins the dance floor, using what seems to be the last of her energy to dance while she's still there. A familiar face appears out of the crowd: an African American girl she had met the night before. "Hi," she smiles and greets the other girl. "Hey...Serena," she reads her name tag. Serena looks for the girl's name tag, but can't find one. Another face appears beside her, one that Serena does not recognize. He extends his hand to her. "Sohneya, Texas" he introduces himself. Instead of trying to shout over the music she simply gestures towards her name tag. "Serena, from...Montana," he reads. Something about him catches her, makes her stop and truly look at this man. She can't help but think of how incredibly ironic it would be if something did come out of their meeting, him being from Texas and her from Montana. They dance for a time, until he offers to get her a drink. She thinks she might melt into a love-struck puddle right then and there; chivalry had always been a weak point for her. She accepts and allows him to pour her a glass of water. As soon as they are both sated she pulls him back towards the dance floor and is about to start when she notices the rings on his fingers. Curious, she asks him, "Are there stories behind these?" He nods, "Stories and meaning." Deciding to leave the ballroom so that they can hear each other talk, they stand by a wall outside and he tells her about his rings. And they talk, and talk, and talk, and all the while she can't help but think how easy it would be for her to fall for this man. Unfortunately, after a time he has to leave, and he gets her information, gives her a brief kiss on the cheek, and runs up the stairs after his team. The rest of the night she is floating on a cloud, knowing that her soul had just met his, and somehow, without even realizing it, knowing that he was her other half. Six months later, she and him are in love, the kind of love that not only happens once in a lifetime, but spans lifetimes. Though they only get to see each other every few months, it doesn't detract from their love in the least. As she looks back over the past six months she can't help but think of how different everything would have turned out if she had had the chance to leave the dance earlier, or if she had chosen to sit out while she waited, or if perhaps they had never found each other at all. For a moment a stab of fear goes through her chest; they had come so close to never finding each other. But then she smiles, knowing that it doesn't matter because they did meet, they did fall in love. And she knows that she has found the person she wants to spend the rest of her life with.

My love, I look to the heavens every day and thank God that you are in my life. I know that he had a hand in what happened that night; how would it have been possible otherwise? Thank you for the past six months. Thank you for being there when I need you, for putting up with me, for loving me despite all my flaws, for everything. "Well, you done done me and you bet I felt it, I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted...(Jason Mraz, I'm Yours)." I love you.

Run with me, Friend

I put my foot in the stirrup, swinging into the saddle and pulling Lily around when she tries to wander off without my direction. Looking back to the bridge I'd had to lead her across, I shake my head at her. "Yeah, like you were actually afraid," I say to her. All she does is snort in response, obviously pleased with herself. Smiling to myself, I urge her into a walk along the dirt path. After an hour of slow, leisurely trail riding I can feel her need to run, a need that is building inside me as it does her. We've been horse and rider for long enough that we can read each other almost perfectly; each of us knows that we're thinking the same thing. Although she pulls at the bit and her muscles tense, she respects my command and remains in a walk. I almost wonder who gave her the sedative; she's too much like me: stubborn, independent, and has a mind of her own. Maybe that's why we work so well together at the same time we clash in an almost constant battle of wills, because we are one and the same. As the dirt path rounds a corner it reveals an enormous open field of short, green grass. Her ears prick up and I can feel her body tense to run. At the same time my own body tenses, and I lean forward in anticipation of the acceleration that will come in a split second. She takes my cue in stride and leaps forward, her muscular body flowing forward in a magnificent display of power. In a matter of seconds her legs are extending as far as they will reach, working as fast as they can to gain speed. The ground rushes by beneath us, the wind stings my eyes, our bodies moving in a perfect motion; never once do we fall out of balance with each other. As we speed across the field I loop the reins over the horn and extend my arms to the wind, tilting my head back and closing my eyes, letting the incredible feeling overwhelm me. I can hear her hooves beat steadily against the ground, can feel her powerful body moving with mine, adrenaline taking over both of our bodies. I laugh out loud, the wind still rushing by us, the ground disappearing under us. She never slows, but only gains speed. This is where our spirits are at the epitome of their essence, this is where they thrive, this is what feeds us. There is nothing like it in the world, and as I open my eyes again I know we are thinking the same thing: freedom. The world is ours for the taking.

Days of Eden

Looking at the leaves falling through the air, 

I smile and pull one from out of your hair, 

Link you fingers in the spaces of mine, 

And continue reveling in a world divine. 

A perfect fall day made for you and me,

So that in each others arms we can be, 

Our souls brushing together again, 

In a state we have always been. 

Whether we be young or old, 

You are the one I always will hold, 

Both in my arms and in my heart, 

Never with either do I wish you to part. 

Only For Now...

Money is such an echoing word in our society. It seems that people will do just about anything for just a little more green in their pockets. Not to say that having money is a bad thing. I myself do enjoy spending, but then who doesn't? No, having money or wanting to have money is not a bad thing, it's the attempt to buy happiness which is bad. Is it important to have enough money to survive? Yes. Is it important to have enough money to live comfortably? Not nearly so much as the importance of happiness. No amount of money in the world can buy you true happiness. Sure, a nice car, an expensive dress, priceless jewelry, those things may buy you temporary happiness, but that joy is very temporary. For my birthday this past year Sohneya gave me a heart-shaped necklace made of Swarovski crystal. I can't even begin to describe to you how happy I was when I first saw it; it was the first birthday present my love ever gave me, and not only that but it came straight from his heart. It's not worth nearly as much as something made of diamonds, or rubies, or any other precious stone, but that doesn't mean it has any less value to me. If he had casually walked into a jewelry store and picked out the most expensive necklace there simply because it was the most expensive it wouldn't mean nearly as much as my necklace to me because of the fact he didn't put his heart into it. Would it make me happy when he gave it to me? In a way, yes. Everyone enjoys getting nice things. But it wouldn't give me that deep sense of love, happiness, peace, and contentedness I got when he gave me my crystal necklace. Eventually it would end up in a jewelry box, almost completely forgotten. I would probably never think of it, it would just be another object in my home. But the crystal necklace he gave me will always have that special meaning to me. It will never be just another object, it will always be the first birthday present he ever gave me, a symbol of his love for me, and every time I look at it I can't help but smile because I think of this. Every time him and I give each other gifts that come from our hearts it will create a love-filled memory which will give the gifts so much more meaning than they could ever have otherwise. Don't try to buy happiness, because temporary happiness may be able to be bought, but true happiness, the kind that spans lifetimes cannot be bought by any amount of money. If Sohneya gave me a bracelet made of braided grass that he had put time and thought and love into it would mean so much more to me than something he casually picked out in a jewelry store. Don't think that by buying someone expensive gifts you can win their heart, because a heart can't be bought. Don't think that you can buy yourself or the people you love into happiness, because you can't. Don't think that buying an expensive house buys you a home, because a home cannot be bought, only made. Don't think that love comes at a price, because it doesn't. Don't think that money will make all your problems and worries vanish, because it won't. Money is an ephemerality, and so are the things you buy with it unless you put thought and meaning into the things you buy. Don't think that by simply buying someone a nice house, nice car, and other nice things you are providing for them, because that's not true. When you create a home for someone, when you get them gifts that come from your heart, when you give them love, then you are truly providing for them. The next time you talk with a loved one think of the happiness that comes along with it. Remember, money is ephemeral, love is eternal.

The Progression of the World

The leaves are turning that brilliant, lovely color of yellows and oranges that announce the coming of fall. Soon, the trees will be bare and then white crystals will fall from the sky, coating the world in a layer of white. The intricate crystals will combine to create a white, sparkling lace that has a life and beauty of its own. Winter will come, and by January the bitter cold will chase everyone indoors so that they may sip hot cocoa and curl up by a warm fire with perhaps a book, perhaps a loved one. Then the snow will slowly dissipate, leaving the brown earth uncovered. But then the sun will peak its head out from the clouds, the rain will fall, and life will return to the world. Green will begin to appear again as the leaves regrow, the grass once again regains its luster, and flowers bloom again. Life will begin once more as new lives are born, brought into the world with bright, curious eyes. Young horses will run and jump with their newfound legs, birds will burst from their eggs and immediately start with their lovely, melodic song, young children will look out at the regrowing world with wondrous eyes. Spring will have finally arrived after months of cold, bringing warmth with it so that people venture outdoors again without first putting on layers of warm clothing. As the sun warms the world spring will turn to summer. Children will yell in joy as they run to the lake for a swim long awaited, young loves will revel in each other's company, nature will continue to grow. The green that had appeared only months ago will grow more and more, until all we have around us is a lovely world coated in green. Flowers will reach their potential, their petals spreading and reaching towards the sky in all their miraculous colors. There will be not only green, but also yellow, red, blue, purple, orange; the world will be a menagerie of color. Then, as mother nature continues her progression, leaves will once again signal the beginnings of fall. Children will rake leaves into enormous piles, only to jump and play in them. The world will begin to turn brown again, and then the white crystals will fall, the process continues in a never-ending flow of life. 

Side Note....

If you enjoy reading my blog, please feel free to become a follower so that you can get updates on my latest posts. I hope there are people reading and enjoying this...somewhere? Anyone? 

Learn How to Dance in the Rain...

As I sit here, watching the rain fall outside my window, I can't help but appreciate how wondrous it is. It feels like the world around me is being cleaned, like all the dirt of the previous day is being washed away. Taking a deep breath, I inhale the sweet smell of rain, looking out at the renewed world. It seems that we spend so little time thinking about a renewed world, that it's something we take for granted. But then, isn't it something that happens every day, every time the sun peaks over the horizon one more time? It's not something we generally stop and think about, much less take the time to appreciate. Although each time the sun rises and a new day begins it may just seem like another occurrence, we should take a moment to look around and appreciate the magnitude of such an event. Not only have you awoken once again, gotten the chance to live another day, but you've also been given a fresh start. I'm not saying that the problems of one day disappear the next, but that it's a brand new day full of new possibilities. Just think of what you can do in the span of 24 hours. Lives have been saved, new beings brought into the world, people united, love found, all in less time. When you wake up tomorrow morning think of this, think of what you could do with the day, think of all the possibilities and promises the day holds. You never know what's coming your way. Perhaps you'll save a life, survive something that should have left you dead, appreciate something beautiful, help someone in need, find love, find new friends, there are so many promises that are held in a day. All you have to do is see and capture them, use them to make you a better person and the world a better place. Gandhi said it best, "Be the change you want to see in the world."  Don't take all these new possibilities for granted, or they may pass you by without you noticing them, without you ever knowing they even existed. Open your eyes to the world around you, see the beauty a new day holds, and remember that even if everything else in your life is going wrong, if your world is collapsing around you, you always have another day, another chance to make things right. Open your eyes to these possibilities, take in the world around you, and just maybe you'll see something you didn't the day before. Whoever said ignorance is bliss obviously never experienced anything but. Look at everything around you, look at a new day as you might look at the rain; as something cleansed, an old day gone a new one here. Open your eyes. The world is waiting.

Survival of the Fittest

What is it in us that makes us love a person so much that we would be willing to do almost anything for them? What makes us so eager to sacrifice anything and everything we have to, to save that person from anything they might face? Love is a crazy thing in that regards. It turns off our instinct for survival, and switches it around so that we care more for the other's survival than our own. This should go against everything within us that is animal, and yet it happens every day. Not only do we care more for their survival than our own, but we also care more for their happiness. I love my Sohneya so much it's almost an ache, I know that sounds slightly cliche, but it's true; I literally ache for him. Losing him would kill me, and I would fight any obstacle to be with him. Unless he asked me not to. If he asked me to let him go, if one day he told me he no longer loved me, I would let him walk away. As much as I desire to be with him for the rest of my life, as much as I want to hold on to him no matter what, I would let him go because I love him, because even more than I want to be with him, I want him to be happy. Not only that, but if I held on to him after he asked me to let him go, I would have already lost him. This is a good lesson to remember: don't hold on to people who no longer love you, who don't want you in their lives, because if you do you'll be fighting for a cause that was lost the moment they asked you to let them go. Holding on to him after he tried to leave would be the most selfish thing I could do, it would mean that our love was not genuine to begin with, it would mean that I cared more for my happiness than I did his. It is because I desire nothing more than for him to be happy that I would let him go. Love is a crazy thing. Even when I'm angry at him, when I'm pissed off to no end and turning the air blue, I'm no less in love with him. Even though I'm infuriated, I still have that ache for him, that ache that tells me just how much I love him. To all of you out there who have already discovered their life partner, you know exactly what I'm talking about. To those of you who haven't yet, be patient, you'll find that someone. Don't settle, whatever you do, don't settle. Find that someone who makes your heart flutter, who switches around your basic instincts, who you love no matter how raging mad you get at them. If you settle, you'll never be able to experience this, and because of it both your and the other person will grow old and bitter. Trust me, finding your partner is worth the wait. 

P.S. I apologize for not writing for so long, life's been getting in the way lately. Hopefully now that it's calmed down a little I'll be able to get back to blogging daily. Thanks for reading, whoever's out there. 

Ying & Yang, Push & Pull, Night & Day....Balance

Have you ever loved someone so much that you would be willing to fight for them with your last breath? I know that I love my Sohneya enough that I would fight anything to be with him, that no matter what I had to do to be with him I would do it. But maybe that's not the point. Maybe we're not supposed to be fighting to be with each other, but just let it go and simply be with each other. Doing something like this is incredibly scary, it takes a leap of faith, an enormous leap of faith. The kind you only take when you love someone as much as him and I love each other. Not only does it require faith in each other, but faith in God. Now you may be asking, what do I want you to take away with this? My lesson to you is this: trust in God. Let him be your guide. And no, I'm not telling you to become a mindless zombie, God did give you a brain, so use it. One of my favorite jokes is this: There's a guy drowning and a boat comes by but he tells them "No, no, it's okay, God will save me." So they leave him, and pretty soon another boat comes by, but again he tells them, "God will save me." So they too leave him, and then soon a helicopter comes by, and again he tells them to go along and that God will save him. The guy drowns. When he gets to heaven he asks God, "God, why didn't you save me?" God replies, "I sent you two boats and a freaking helicopter!!" The lesson in this joke and in what I am writing is to let God be your guide, listen to him, but at the same time use the head God gave you, think for yourself. It's a hard balance to find I know, I'm still trying to find it. But if you keep working towards it, you will eventually find it. The best advice I can give you is to make sure that you don't forget about him during the process. This isn't about putting God on hold while you find a balance with him, it's about letting him help you achieve that balance. Let God in and the process will begin, its part of having that powerful connection with him. And remember that there is no due date, no time constraint, no deadline, take your time with this, find it with your own speed. God will wait, and not only will he wait but he will aid you as he does so.

What Do the Roses Smell Like?

Everyone is in such a mad hurry. As children all we want is to grow up, as teens we await the magical age of 18 with fervor, and as adults we want everything as soon as we can get it. Always in such a hurry to grow up, to make money, to find love, to achieve goals. These things are all good, and it's good to have them, but what about the moment you are in at this very moment? We constantly seem to forget about the moment we are living in at this very second as we look to the future. A favorite quote of mine, one which I'm sure most of you have heard is "Remember yesterday, Look forward to tomorrow, Live in today." Don't forget about the future, but don't try to live in it. Live in the moment you have at this moment. Look towards a loved one and tell them how precious they are to you, look at the home you have right now and smile because at this moment it is yours to call home. Live in the present. Why is it that people are so anxious to get to tomorrow? And then once we finally get there we can't seem to help but want to be in the next day and so forth. I know that I can't help but want the next two years to go by with haste, because two years from now is when I will finally be able to be with my love. But instead of wanting so desperately to jump forward in time maybe I should stop and look around. I have him, he has me. Right now we should revel in that rather than wish for something that will never happen. Two years will be two years, no matter the speed we will it to go by. We should stop, look at each other, and smile because we know that the love we share is something few people get to experience. In two years we will be together, but right now this is all we have, and we should be happy for that. Live in the moment, don't take what you have right now for granted. Remember that each and every moment in life is a precious gift, something to be cherished and taken full advantage of. Look forward to the future, don't live in it. Live in this second, this moment, this day, this week, this month, this year. Live in the now.

Angel

Do you have that one song that can make tears form in your eyes the moment it comes on? That one song that can bring you to your knees because of everything it invokes. For me that song is Angel by Sarah McLachlan. This song has so many mixed memories for me, so many emotions are brought out by it that I can't help but let the tears fall. Happiness, pain, warmth, loneliness, they all come to the surface at once, almost overwhelming me. The song has a special place in my heart to say the least, it's one that I will listen to for the rest of my life I'm sure. I'm reminded of past heartaches, present and past fears, present love, present happiness, all these things, all these memories. How is it possible for one to feel sad and happy at the same time? A song like this is not meant to make you happy or joyful, and yet when I apply my own interpretation to it I can't help but feel happy. I've been through that kind of pain and sorrow, the kind where you can't feel anymore and you're tempted to make just one little cut, just to make sure you can still feel. I never did, but the thought was there. But then I found my angel, and in his arms was where I was able to let go of all of it. I found love, and through it I found peace.

Carry Me Into the Wind....

Love is something people have written about for centuries. It's mysterious, complicated, and probably the most worthy story of all to document. My and his story is one of loss, pain, grief, happiness, joy, but most of all it's a story of love. He has already told you the beginnings of it, using the name Sohneya. I am here to tell you the rest of it. We fell in love under unique circumstances, not unheard of at all, but also not the way I ever expected it to happen. We'd both been hurt in the past, at one point our hearts burned almost to the point of nonrecognition. It's somewhat of a miracle that we were both able to recover the way we did, to trust enough to allow each other in. But we both took a deep breath and plunged headfirst into the raging current. It took us away, but didn't separate us. Love is somewhat like a powerful river; diving in requires risk, and staying in requires even more risk, not to mention trust. But it is worth it, anything you have to go through to get what him and I have is worth it. That is one of the few things I can definitely assure you of. This is where I will pick up the last half of our story, to complete for you what has already been started.


Telling him I loved him was probably the scariest, riskiest thing I've ever had to do. It's also one of the most profound moments of my life, a moment that I will never forget. After we met we began emailing incessantly and talking every chance we could get. From the beginning we fit together, we clicked in a way I hadn't with anyone else before. At first we had adamantly decided that we were not going to date; neither of us wanted to get into another long distance relationship. We were just going to be friends...very close friends.  That plan, however, didn't go exactly as we had intended. We couldn't resist each other, it was that simple. We were totally and completely in love, and there was really no way we were going to be able to stay "just friends." The saying "I love you more than yesterday, but less than tomorrow" is a true one. Every day my heart grows for him, even though each day it seems that it can grow no more. So once again we both made leaps of faith and entered into the very thing we had been afraid of; a long distance relationship. I won't tell you that's it's been easy from there on out, because it hasn't been for either of us, not at all. Loving someone that much, being able to see them, hear their voice, but never being able to touch, hug, kiss. There are times when it's almost unbearable. We get to see each other occasionally, every few months, and those times are bliss, there's no other word to describe how we feel when we're near each other.  Now we have about two years before we can be together forever. Those two years are going to seem like an eternity. But when put next to the life we're going to be able to share together they seem like a minor obstacle, just something we have to get over to reach our ultimate goal. It's a minuscule trial to go through to get what we will have on the other side. If it's going to be even more than what we have now, I look forward to many years spent in happiness and love with my Sohneya.  

If You Like Shakespeare....

If you like or are in need of extra shakespeare help you should check out my other blog The Complete Works of Shakespeare. http://shakespearesimplified.blogspot.com/

Until Death Do Us Part...

Love. It's such a small four letter word, with so many connotations that it's an almost impossible concept to grasp. What is love really? Is it just chemicals going off in our brains, or is it something that comes from our soul? My own personal beliefs say that it's a little bit of both. Love starts with infatuation, which may just be hormones firing off in your brain, but true, actual, unconditional love stems from the soul. When two people meet there are the hormones and other sorts of chemicals involved (they do call it chemical attraction after all), but when two souls meet it's another matter. True, life-long love comes when two souls meet. When your soul meets another it's an experience that can't be accurately put into words. But I will try my best. Meeting someone else on a spirit to spirit level is like unveiling a whole new path that you never knew existed. Afterwards you feel uplifted and so filled with contentedness and joy that it feels like you may explode from it. When two souls meet and truly connect it's worth whatever you had to do to get there. That person will be a life-long friend, or at least someone you never forget. That's where life-long, "I want to grow old and die with you" love originates from; the meeting of souls. I'm not saying that you're going to fall madly in love with every person you meet this way, but when you do fall madly in love, when it's true, that's where it will originate. Love is a complicated thing, something that can't be defined in the amount of time I have to write this blog. It's always seemed odd to me that we only have one word for love in the English language. Eskimos have over 200 words for snow, and yet we have one for love. This almost seems like a wrong-doing since there are so many different forms of love. There's the love you have for your parents, for your siblings, for your extended family, your spouse, your children, your friends, and the list goes on. Why only have one word to describe so many different things? That would be like only having one word to describe the entirety of the human body. The very idea of such a thing seems foolish and silly. What is it about love that makes us want to examine and ponder it to extremes? The answer to this question is quite simple: love is one of the most, if not the most powerful emotion we will ever experience in our lifetimes. Love can make a sane person do rather insane things, it has the power to build you up and the power to tear you to ribbons. It's arguably one of the most powerful forces in our universe, and it's something that each and every one of us experience on a day-to-day basis. Don't take these daily experiences for granted, cherish each and every moment you have will the people you love.

Coincidence

Does anything really ever happen by coincidence? Before I began my search for God my answer to this may have been a rather firm yes. But looking back over the past year of my life I can only come to one conclusion: nothing is coincidence. It was this time last year when I met my best friend in a class the last year of my high school career. I'd almost not taken the class at all, and the chances of her sitting beside me after not having ever really talked to me the past three years of high school were slim to none. It was in that class that her and began our journey to the friendship we have now. There are so many factors that made up our meeting, so many things that could have gone differently and if they had would have changed everything. This brings up the age old question: do we have free will or is there a higher force, a fate if you will, controlling our every action. My personal belief is that both are true. Yes, I know you're probably tilting your head at me, giving the screen that "what have you been smoking?" look, but bear with me. I believe that we have free will, it's something that God granted us, something not even he can take away. But that doesn't mean he can't guide us, whisper words of love and advice in our ears. We have the freewill to decide not to follow his advice, to take another path, but when we follow that advice, whether we realize we're doing it or not, good things, incredible things, can happen. I know I probably sound like a preacher on a hot Sunday afternoon where the only thing everyone can think of is a nice tall glass of lemonade, but that's not the message I'm trying to convey to you. I'm not trying to tell you that you should start listening to voices in your head, I'm telling you to open yourself to him. It's harder said than done, I know from experience, but it's worth whatever you have to go through to get there. The first time you feel God's presence, truly feel his presence just overwhelm you is a truly amazing (to put it into mild terms) thing. Too many things have happened in my life for me to believe in coincidence. The circumstances under which I met the love of my life is another one of those "if just one thing had gone differently" experiences. If just one little detail had been different we never would have met each other, we never would have known the other existed. I can't imagine not having him in my life, I can't imagine never having met him, and I thank God everyday that he's mine, and yes I mean that literally. I do look towards the heavens and thank him for what we have. Coincidence is not something I believe in, I can't after everything I've experienced.

side note: I very much enjoy a good debate, so if anyone out there wants to I'm completely open for it on anything I discuss or any good topics you have.

Everywhere, Everything

I’m sure most people have heard the term “God is everywhere.” This phrase is usually applied in a Sunday school lesson where half of the kids are zoning out, daydreaming of swimming, ice cream, or, well, anything other than where they’re at. The sad thing about this is that this lesson is probably the truest one they will ever learn. I know that when I was a child Sunday school was not the thing I looked forward to most in my week, and church was something I dreaded. The concept of God wasn’t something I could fully comprehend at that point in my life. To me he was some aloof, untouchable, and even unreachable being, which may have or may not have existed. But there are many people who see God the same way. To many people he’s a religious figure, but according to their own spirituality he remains aloof, untouchable, and almost non-existent. God was something I believed in because it’s what I had been taught to believe, it’s what I thought I was supposed to do. If you have any questions relating to God, spirituality, or any of my posts please don’t hesitate to email me at peacelayi@gmail.com. To all of you who are reading this, don’t give up on finding Him, because even if you don’t think he is, he’s always there, he’s always been with you. All you have to do is open your heart to him. And if you have found him, reach out to those who haven’t.